Wednesday 29 October 2014

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles



Warning! Contains spoilers!





Remember the days when news of a cherished childhood franchise getting a movie wasn’t met with a mixture of scepticism and excited expectation? Those were good times. But since then many a fandom has been burned on the altar of cinema while the unwashed masses were left clutching shattered dreams of what could have been. It’s all about big money. It’s not personal. But when Darth Bay washes away your pristine action figures and first edition comics in a tsunami of Hollywood cash it bloody well feels personal. You have to grow some thick skin and remember that you have gone to the cinema to be entertained, not to have your ego placated. Now that that baggage is out the way – show time!




April O’Neil (Megan Fox) is a Channel Six reporter with nothing going for her except a shaky camera phone and super model level good looks. She is desperate to break the story on a group of illusive outlaws calling themselves ‘The Foot’. As the Federal government shows no sign of helping the nation’s largest city deal with a paramilitary terrorist group acting with impunity, it falls to big business to assist the NYPD. Eric Sacks [Warning! Obvious villain alarm!] steps forward to pledge support from his bioweapon and cybernetic warfare company. But before he has to sign any cheques the Foot Clan suffer several unforeseen setbacks. Four unknown vigilantes have scuppered the baddies on several occasions while leaving nothing but some anime inspired graffiti as a calling card. Turns out these masked heroes are none other than four mutated turtles, raised in the sewers by a ninja master rat. Realising April to be the young girl who saved them from a burning lab, they team up to defeat the Foot Clan and save New York from a robot samurai called Shredder. After that it all goes a bit CGI and big budget with inevitable links to a future sequel.
 



The movie title promises four things so let’s work through the list;

Turtles – Probably. I couldn’t tell you the difference between a turtle and a terrapin but I will give the film makers the benefit of the doubt.
Ninja – Yes. Splinter the rat taught himself Ninjutsu thanks to a handy booklet thrown into a sewer and from this he instructed his adopted children. If it had been a Queensbury boxing pamphlet, things could have been very, very, different.
Mutant – Hell yes. Our protagonists are eight foot tall, bipedal, talking turtles. What is interesting here is that the chemical used to cause this transformation is key to building a super bio weapon. For reasons.
Teenage – most defiantly. Although this Turtles movie breaks our heroes down into high school stereotypes rather than actual characters. Leonardo is the parents favourite and jock. Raphael is the rebellious Kevin and Perry type. Donatello must therefore be the nerdy computer geek. Finally, that leaves Michelangelo to be the one with ADHD.




But was it fun? The movie isn’t so much action packed as it is action smeared. Don’t get me wrong – lots of bad guys get messed up, but I’m struggling to remember a particularly impressive fight scene. It does that block buster thing where most of the action is too fast to follow or takes place in semi-darkness. Partly this is caused by robbing ‘The Foot’ of their ninja heritage. Rather than set piece melees, the Turtles must dodge between mussel flashes and machine gun fire. Paradoxically, this removes all sense of threat as bullet holes are a lot harder to shrug off than the odd kick or punch. Despite this the matchup between Shredder (the robot samurai) and Splinter (the ninja rat) is pretty sweet. It’s a classic old vs. new with Splinter delicately tidying away his geta and reverently unsheathing a katana while Shredder powers up Stack industries newest suit of knife throwing robot armour. Why would Stacks industries even build such a thing? I bet there were a few marines in the audience wishing they had had suits like that in Fallujah.

Now that I have brought up the subject of violence it might be time to add a fifth descriptive note to our heroes. They might be teenage, mutated, ninjas and or course turtles but they can now pull off psychopathic. While they mostly smack up and knock out ‘The Foot’ in each encounter, on several occasions the Turtles flat out murder some of the villains. This even happens on one occasion when the heroes realise the baddies are using none lethal weapons! I’m not opposed to the idea of whacking hoodlums but it’s a little disconcerting that our teenage protagonists don’t even bat an eyelid (do turtles have eyelids?) at taking human life.




Giant turtles and talking rats wouldn’t be weird if there wasn’t anyone to point and scream. The human characters do a fine job of helping/hindering the heroes. Arguably, April O’Neil is actually the main character and Megan Fox carries it well. Will Arnett nails the part of funny cameraman side kick and William Fitchner rocks it out as the evil Eric Sacks. Fundamentally, the human characters ground the movie in a vital way – they constantly remind us that the entire premise of the film is ridiculous. This could have been managed inappropriately. It’s a little inconsiderate for a movie to become a roast of its source material. Rather, its handled quite fittingly with enough gags to be funny and not discourteous.



‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ is as fun as a 99 cheese pizza. Enjoy it with friends for a significantly better experience.

I give ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ three Brian faces out of five.

Cowabunga!

Friday 26 September 2014

Review of "The Guest"



Warning! Contains spoilers!



There is a lot of pressure running on a movie trailer. Inappropriate promotion will empty a theatre quicker than the Russian army. “The Guest” had my interest almost immediately. The cinema trailer promised a psychological thriller brimming with tension and suspense. But the television version offered an action movie brimming with slow motion gun fights. Either this was going to be some art house bull shit or the tone of the movie would shift at some point. But when? Which trailer most accurately showed me the movie? Was it half thriller, half action? Maybe one third tension and two thirds shoot out. Who knows? Tone, tone, tone. One of these messages is lying to me. Morbid fascination aint the best reason to go see a film but it beats sitting at home downloading episodes of ‘Pointless’. Show time!




In a bland No-where-ville town, the Peterson family are still in mourning for their eldest son who died in Afghanistan. Like a flash of plot from a clear blue sky, David (Dan Stevens) arrives. Newly discharged from the military, he is a war buddy of said dead son who promised to check in on his family if something should explosively happen to his body. After initial caution, the family slowly start to warm to David and ask him to stay for a few days. Everything turns red and snuggly with joy as David becomes a big brother to the geeky younger son, friend to the rebellious sister, shoulder to cry on to the mum and drinking buddy to the dad. The family begins to rise from their stagnation and a light can be seen at the end of their sorrow. The son stands up to his bullies at school, the sister separates from her waster boyfriend, the father gets a promotion at work and the mum can smile again. Unfortunately all these things happen because David has beaten up, blow up, seduced, murdered, framed and manipulated everyone within a three county area. A big evil private corporation finds out that David is ‘still alive’ and sends a group of mercenaries to annihilate him. Realising his cover is screwed, David begins picking the family one by one Friday the 13th style to cover his tracks. The sister and young brother flee into a Halloween themed school hall to hide. Things kind of don’t end well from there.   


Nice David


I hope for one that this movie is the vehicle behind the successful Hollywood career of the two main characters. David is played by Dan Stevens (the one off Downton Abbey who ruined Chrismas Day two years ago) and he absolutely dominates. ‘The Guest’ works so well because of this performance. There is something so real, so very ‘other’ about David when he is on screen like watching a panther that no one else has noticed walking through Tesco.  Almost like everything and everyone else is dulled or slightly out of focus. Next we have 21 year old Maika Monroe who stars as Anna Peterson, the (eventual) protagonist once we have figured out who David is. Teenagers in movies are often (so very, very often) a tight jean wearing cliché cannon of angst, insolence and ‘no one understands me’ twatery. While some of these characteristics are present it must be said that at no point do we feel they have been turned up to eleven. Monroe plays a person who happens to be a teenager. And she does it very well. More from both of these actors please!


Evil David


We reach the crux of the puzzle that is ‘The Guest’. Is David a bad guy? In retrospect – fuck yes! But I felt compelled to give him the benefit of the doubt for about two thirds of the movie. At any point the film might have pulled a fast one on us. It just as easily could have transpired that David was a man ravaged by a pointless war who desperately wanted something to belong to, something he found in the Peterson family. It could have also just been a good old friendly house guest turns out to be a psycho killer. Days after viewing the movie, I’m still not sold that both of the above could not be true. It turns out David is actually some rogue super solider created by an aforementioned evil corporation who is trying to escape before he is incinerated as the final chapter of an elaborate experiment gone horribly wrong. But what was the experiment? The Government Man who comes to kill David warns that he is bumping off the family because his ‘programming has kicked in.’ What programming? What the hell is he?!? This as a movie about a killer who takes advantage of a family’s kindness by subversively envelope their lives. Or add levels of complexity. David takes the odd bullet and knife wound. You can chortle to yourself about how he comes across as one of those B movie unrelenting, unstoppable killers. Or add complexity… Now you think about it at the beginning of the movie he jogged for miles without a bead of sweat on his brow. He is never seen to sleep. Drugs and alcohol have no effect on him. You start to ask yourself questions about what you actually just witnessed.


Better hide from the killer in this room of mirrors. Like a pro.


‘The Guest’ is a fantastic bit of independent film. It does not try to answer any of the questions you will ask yourself. David is an event, not a character. You do not ponder the back story of an avalanche, you just run! The last line of the movie is “what the fuck?!?” Believe me when I say this is completely appropriate!

I give ‘The Guest’ five Brian faces out of five. I’m calling this flick out as a cult classic before anyone else!

Thursday 28 August 2014

Review of “The Purge: Anarchy”



Warning! Contains spoilers! 




This movie comes with a little bit of machete slashed baggage. “The Purge” was an interesting 2013 action-horror staring Ethan Hawke and Lena Headey. That’s ‘interesting’ as in “Hay guys, this films got Lena Headey in it!” But that’s unfair. “The Purge” initially had me buy in with its simple premise. All marketing focused on the film titular theme rather than the plot. I cannot put it simpler than the automated announcer – “for the next twelve hours, all crime is legal.” That’s pretty much it. It was enough to get my mind skipping with intrigue and potential. I must point out that the original was ok. Just ok. In the post movie pub session it became clear that the setting of “The Purge” was more interesting than the film itself. Let’s hope the first (of many, I am sure) sequel will do better.





Twas the night before Purge and all over the city, people were quickly and quietly doing everything possible not to be killed when the alarms sound. A mother and daughter combo sit in their apartment hoping to survive the night and that the randy doorman doesn’t break in and have his way with them. A young couple are driving down the highway when their car dramatically and predictably breaks down. Even Green Flag have a crap response time on the Purge. Dark and brooding guy-with-lots-of-guns (Frank Grillo) gets ready for a night on the town. Of death! His son died in the previous year and now he wants pay back. Soon all our characters are thrown together and gun dude is torn between protecting them and completing his own Purge. As they move through the battle torn city we all learn the real reason behind the Purge while mumbling about how fucked up Americans are. 



This is ‘Big Daddy’ and his SWAT team getting ready to do their duty


Well it ticks most of the sequel boxes. Bigger budget, bigger cast and bigger ideas. I couldn’t help but notice that this film had dropped the ‘horror’ tag that the originally had sheepishly worn like a temporary tattoo. Our cast do a competent job of being two dimensional (but functional!) helpless semi-victims. After seeing ‘Winter Soldier’ I’m glad that Grillo has gotten a part that plays off his threatening demeanour. What was a little hard to swallow is the latent killer hiding inside each American just waiting for a plot point to drag it out guns blazing. And teenagers! If this is unfair, I don’t care. If you are in the middle of a city full of killers looking for their next victim and you find yourself teamed up with an obviously experience warrior armed to the teeth then fucking do what he says!!!  I don’t care how antsy a young adult can be it all gets thrown into perspective by a Latino with a machete and bottle of baby oil. DO WHAT THE FRIENDLY MAN WITH THE MACHIEGUN ASKS YOU TO. I’m not even going to stop hammering the point home – every time Cali (the unknown Zoe Soul) argued with our dark hero it completely dragged me out the story. This cliché behaviour deserves to be purge all by itself!



For only $100,000 you can Purge in the safety of your home


Rich people suck. You might not agree but the movie makers certainly do. Turns out the whole Purge idea was orchestrated by the rich to remove the poor from American streets. If the USA is a system built on the rich exploiting the needy then ‘The Purge: Anarchy’ takes that to its bloody conclusion. If you are white and have lots of money, this movie does not do you any favours. There is a saturation sensation of ‘other’ when the rich are involved. My top moment for the entire movie exemplifies this perfectly. Our group of survives are kidnapped and sold to a private dinner party held within a fortress mansion. The group is auctioned off and put into a closed off, pitch black sculpted garden. The tux warring purchasers disappear to ‘prepare themselves.’ By the time our heroes are crapping themselves to the max, the doors open and our rich, night vision equipped hunters enter the garden. Why so memorable? The hunters are all dressed like they are out shooting grouse. It’s so preposterous that the idea of a uniform for murder dehumanises the wealthy even further.

All in all the ‘Purge: Anarchy’ is a bit of grim fun. I don’t think it will stick with you longer than the next action movie but, once again, the theme may stay fresh. Frankly, everyone should just chill out and have a cup of tea.

I give ‘The Purge: Anarchy’ two and a half Brian faces out of five. A distinct lack of Lena Headey did not help its score.