Warning! Contains
spoilers!
I grew up
watching the Peter Pan cartoon. Frankly, I thought he was a bit of a
dick. Team Wendy was far more interesting. Those Victorian children
gave us a counter to the chaotic world of pirates, fairies, Indians
and crocodiles. Come to think of it, it was all a bit diet 'Hunger
Games'. 'Pan' is a prequel to those adventures. In film terms it has
to weigh in against the excellent 1991 'Hook'. Robin Williams and
Dustin Hoffman gave the franchise a hefty revamp. Big shoes to fill,
'Pan'. Think happy thoughts.
Life is
pretty grim for Peter (Levi Miller). Stuck in an orphanage during war
torn Britain, the most excitement he has is cleaning gutters and not
getting beaten. Because this orphanage is run by the most evil nuns a
PG rating can get. While on an 'adventure' from his brutally harsh
life he discovers the Sister Superior (Kathy Burke) has kept
personnel records and tones of rationed food all for her self. Turns
out his orphan buddies haven't been evacuated to Canada but rather
sold to pirates from another world. If there is one thing that
doesn't surprise me about nuns, its that they have criminal
connections with multidimensional child smugglers. Anyhow, Peter ends
up being nabbed by these jolly sky corsairs and ends up in the
mystical realm of Neverland. Only its not so much a mystical realm as
it's a hell hole mine run by the Pirate Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman).
Thanks to the scheming of hook happy cowboy (Gareth Hedlund), Peter
escapes into the wilds. With help from the indigenous people of
Neverland, he searches for the lost fairy kingdom before Blackbeard
can destroy it for drugs. Or fairy dust. Basically drugs. There's
even a crocodile.
I have to
give credit to 'Pan' for its balls out rendering of Neverland. The
trip there was just as impressive. The flying pirate ship battled
past Royal Air Force Spitfires until it reaches orbit. From there
Peter is able to lightly high five Jupiter (the size of a basket
ball) before plunging into an endless vista of oceanic spheres
populated by a wondrous display of aquatic life. I don't know what
the writers had been smoking but it was potent stuff. The jungles of
Neverland are a CGI nightmare of green mixed with the added terror of
giant necromantic birds. When we meet the locals they appear to be a
mad mix of every tribal peoples that five minutes on the National
Geographic web page could pull up. As I said, its mad. Please enjoy a
pint or two before delving in. Don't take this as a one sided
endorsement. Madness doesn't always mean exciting. The comparison to
drugs was not made lightly. This is intended to be a kids film but
Neverland has a weirdness that boarders on the insane. When the
pirate ship enters the mines and the new slaves are treated to a
rousing song from the workforce I almost started tapping my feet and
joining in. Its like I new the words to this dirge, this chant of the
damned... wait a minute. Are they singing Smells like teen spirit
by Nirvana? They bloody well are! Neverland is unsettling and
claustrophobic rather than a realm of adventure. Swing and a miss.
Without a
setting I can love the rest of the movie slowly lost my good will. It
brings out my petty side. The accents are terrible (with the
exception of Jackman who gives us a perfectly rendered pantomime bad
guy). What actors I do know are underused. Rooney Mara has to hash
through mediocre lines and a preposterous love story as Tiger Lily.
The up and coming Cara Delevingne (who was fantastic in this years
'Paper Towns') is relegated to perform as a trio of none speaking
mermaids. Future canon elements are forced in with almost cringing
predicability. There is a crocodile. It's big and scary! I hope Hook
never gets close to it (wink, wink, the story bleats). Tinker-bell
gets unceremonious shoved in at the last minute just to say she was
there. Just like here. One cant help but postulate on how it was put
together is such an uninspiring way. The whole point of a Peter Pan
prequel hinges on the faithfulness and playfulness of the directors
use of the original material.
Second
exasperation on the left and straight on to boredom. Two Brian faces
out of five.
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